I'm just an animal looking for a home

Journal Entry

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Note:  The only changes to this entry are minor corrections to grammar, punctuation, formatting, and spelling.  I’ve also removed any last names which appeared.

Dear Diary,

I am not so sure Erica likes me.  I am not sure why she does not, if she does not.  Sabrina is my friend, but she is going out with Dain (a moron, she and I both agree).

Now to the main subject of this entry, the party.  Sharon, a seventh grader, threw a party at The Woodlands Inn.  I had to go, because I was fairly sure Erica was.  When I arrived, the DJ (disc jockey) had not, so I watched (and played with) some people playing Ping Pong.  The DJ arrived shortly and started playing.  All was well.  I continued to play Ping Pong, now with Det on my team opposing two others whom I forget.  Then Cecilia (9th grade), Monet (8th grade), and Erica (8th grade) approached me and told me Courtney R. really liked me and I had to ask her to dance on the next slow song.  Naturally I assumed they were joking, because this sort of thing happens quite often at dances as a joke.  Courtney and I are in the same advisory at school, but we had never shared anything special there, so my doubt was furthered.  They kept pestering and insisting, so I said “Maybe, if y’all leave me alone!”  They moved off, and when the next slow song came on, I had no intention of asking her whatsoever.  They came, with now Det as a follower, trying to convince me.  I refused, both shy and doubtful.  Eventually Colin approached me and told me to ask her to dance.  I started to believe them, but still I refused, being shy.  later, playing Ping Pong, Cecilia and Monet BROUGHT Courtney over and said “Here she is, ask her.”  I was getting kinda pissed, but I went up to Courtney and said ‘OK, Courtney, let’s dance.”  She looked at me funny and walked away.  Later I would think that maybe I was too forceful, but at that moment I felt sure that the Gestapo (my name for the group of people trying to make me dance with Courtney) was really just joking.  I continued playing Ping Pong.  Then one of the Gestapo said Summer liked me, and some others said that Courtney still liked me.

At 10:20 (the dance ends at 10:30), I saw my brother dancing with someone.  I got real depressed cuz I hadn’t danced yet.  Then, as the next slow song came on, Courtney approached me, took my hand, and led me to the dance floor!  I got this weird but VERY good feeling around my heart.  I felt her breasts rub against me.  I apologized for not believing the Gestapo and for being rude.  She forgave me.  I was in heaven.

During the intermission, Det asks me if I like her, and if I was going to ask her to dance the next slow song.  My reply was yes to both questions.  I had never danced close to a girl like that during a slow song, and I loved it.  When the next song came on, Det and Courtney started dancing.  I was pissed, but I flashed Det a look like How-can-I-dance-with-her-if-you-are?  He said “Would you like to cut in?”  and I said “Sure, I guess so.”  He stepped aside and Courtney and I began to dance!  What happened next filled me with anger and confusion.  Colin had moved up next to us and Courtney said “Colin.  The ring”  (or something like that) and extended her arm.  Colin took it and Courtney said something and left my arms.  I looked on, and followed as she moved around the room.  I still don’t know what that was about.

The DJ said “Ok, here’s your last song.”  It was a slow song.  Courtney was still talking to someone about the ring or something.  About 30 seconds before the song ended she started to dance with a girl named Lacy.  I was crushed.  The song ended and she went and said something to the Gestapo.  Then the crowd demanded another song and it turned out to be a slow song.  I walked over to Courtney and she moved to Lacy, and they started dancing.  I just stared at them sullenly.  She sometimes looked at me, but not usually.

The dance ended and I thought she might come over to talk to me, so I waited, leaning against a pillar.  I apparently looked depressed because Det came over and said “Mitch, are you OK?”  I said “I guess.”  and he said ‘I’m sorry.”  I waited a bit and asked him why.  He said ‘I’m sorry that it didn’t work out.”  I said something, and on further reflection, I think I should have said “Me too.”  We walked toward the entrance and I said “She looked like she was having so much fun with Lacy that I didn’t want to disturb her.”

I was so depressed.  We reached the front and as I walked toward my car, I saw Courtney in her car.  I think she saw me look, but I can’t be sure.  Before I reached my car I thought we passed her car, and I think she saw me again.  My dad and I got in the car and went home.  I was depressed the whole way home.  I kept remembering how Courtney took my hand, and I got the same feeling in my heart.  I keep wondering if I was supposed to break in between Courtney and Lacy.  I wanted to know why she left me.  I wanted her to call me so bad!  I didn’t want to call her, because I was not sure whether or not she liked me anymore.  I am going to see her in advisory tomorrow, and the look in her eyes might tell me something.

I now know I wasn’t even depressed when Susan hurt me.  I am depressed now, though.  Not as much as last night, but I need to know if Courtney likes me!  That feeling I got, ah, it was heaven!  I never have felt anything like that before.  I tried to dream of her, but I couldn’t.  I slept until 3:30PM trying.  I am going to talk to Det in school and see what I can do.  I want there to be more dances so I can try to get that feeling again.I wish I could go back and ask her to dance earlier in the evening.  God is this depressing.  I feel I have reached a milestone in my life, but I am not sure what it signifies.  The good thing that came of the evening, aside from that GREAT feeling I got, was that I know a girl really liked me.  But if this is true, I feel sure somehow I turned her off.  I wish I knew what I did!  I see no hope!

I will probably write again later today.  Bye.

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Author: mitcharf

vegan, curmudgeon, animal lover, feminist, agnostic, cat whisperer, bookworm, hermit, Red Sox fan, Cthulhu enthusiast, softball player, man-about-town

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