Note: The only changes to this entry are minor corrections to grammar, punctuation, formatting, and spelling. I’ve also removed any last names which appeared.
Maile has not yet come over today and as a result I have sat all day listening to depressing music, miserably nursing my sore throat. I told her yesterday that I couldn’t picture getting mad at her. I went on to say that the only way I get mad regarding people like her and Sabrina is an anger that isn’t directed toward them, but is anger I feel because of an act they committed. It is mainly anger toward myself, and self-pity, as I felt many times when Sabrina went out with different guys and didn’t go out with me. I felt such anger all day today because I KNOW Cameron likes Maile and she may like him, and because I haven’t seen Maile all day. I place no blame on her. An irrational part of my mind (one that also wants to go out with her by any means — fair or unfair) is mad at her, but I know enough to realize it is an irrational side of my mind and that it shouldn’t be listened to. This anger would be instantly dispelled if she came over, for when I talk to her I am happy and calmed. Talking to Maile is the best experience I have ever, well, experienced. There are not sufficient words to describe it, or her. She must be a goddess. I am forced to love her. Only a fool wouldn’t. I don’t blame Cameron for liking her, but I still am jealous. My mind isn’t satisfied completely until she and I are alone. I have an irrational jealousy of sharing her company. I think I can safely say that the happiest time of my life was the Saturday (Oct 2, 1991) when we sat and talked in the dark. I had an impulse to kiss her, but I think she would not have liked that, so I refrained. You see, although I don’t love her for her body, I still find her incredibly beautiful. It seems, however, that her morals are good, rather pure, and any attempt at kissing her might breach them. Since I want to assure her happiness, and our friendship, I will generally let her make any moves that need to be made. If I somehow offended her I would never forgive myself. To do that to someone like Maile would be unfair, because she is so sweet and perfect (for lack of a better word) that it would be horrible to offend her. I love her. I wonder if and how I should tell her this. Letting her read this would let her know how I feel quite well, but at the same time, if she was offended, or didn’t feel the same way at all, she might be embarrassed and not want to be friends. That would be hellish. But, it might be a risk worth taking. If she does feel the same, then she would truly appreciate this entry. I recall when I sent Sabrina letters talking about how I felt. We never mentioned those letters out loud until I told her I loved her. That is not good, not being able to talk to your friend about a topic close to your heart and foremost on your mind. But I can see Maile reading this, being appalled at how I feel, and disliking me. At the same time I can see her reading it, proud that I feel this way. She could also just accept it but not show any emotions in response, or tell me she doesn’t feel the same. Anything could happen. It is such a risk. Damn it, I love her.
Pingback: I'm just an animal looking for a home | Journal Entry