Note: The only changes to this entry are minor corrections to grammar, punctuation, formatting, and spelling. I’ve also removed any last names which appeared, except in the case of teachers.
Dear Fucking Diary,
Well, you read my last journal. My life is fucking over. She tried to let me down easy. Yeah, right. Like it is even fucking possible to let me down easy at this point.
I can’t even fucking express into words the feeling of utter… utter fucking dread that came over me. I buried my knife in the wall to the hilt. Several times! The wall now has a fucking hole in it. Why should I fucking care? Suicide looks better than running away at this fucking point. Why the hell not? I held the knife to my wrist tonight and pressed HARD! I was fucking hoping I would DIE. I am going to die soon. Why fucking not? Maile doesn’t love me and “could never love me the way I love her.” I always knew that, but I guess once I heard her say it, I just lost it. I have NO FUCKING REASON TO LIVE! NONE AT ALL! I don’t want to show this to Maile. Well, I do, but I ought not. It’s the least I can do. I should be nice to her, even though she’s caused me such pain. I don’t blame her. How could I? It’s not her fault. What could she have done? Loved me? Nobody will. Ever. I should never have revealed my true feelings to anybody! It just makes me get hurt worse. From this I’ll never heal. My life has no reason. If I ever thought I was suicidal, I am now. I am filled with a violent rage. I must kill myself before I hurt others.
Oh yeah, she’ll even name one of the lobsters after me? I guess that’ll make up for it all? Of course… By doing something with my worst enemy, and mocking me by naming a lobster after me, I’ll certainly feel better. Of course. It’s only logical. And she won’t even fucking tell me who she likes?
I think of her kissing this “Timothy” and I just want to kill myself more. I just broke into tears and had to stop writing. The thought of her kissing someone makes me filled with great sadness.
Oh yeah. I almost fucking forgot — I am always fucking nice to her, and I always love her, and try to make her happy, and Cameron makes no special allowances, and we are both on the same fucking level in her mind. Good fucking deal. My life is a VOID.
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