Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Courtney
Listen to the stolid advice of a close friend; great profundity will be found in their stupidity.
Your love life may be on a downward slope this week, Goat, but don't let that get you down. You have a Goat soulmate out there, although according to the position of the moon in your 4th house, or something like that, they live across the world from you in a hut made of grass and mud, and are losing teeth quicker than a snitch at Gotti's house the day before the trial.

Good creative days this week: 8th, 13th
Good days to tackle that task you always put off until the last minute then never actually do it: 8th-14th, dammit, cause it's fricken annoying and I can't take it anymore.

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Kim Scarborough
Of any fortune cookie you read this week, the exact opposite will actually be true. Since fortune cookies are almost always optimistic, you may want to eat Thai this week instead. On Thursday, everyone you see on the way to work will look like Sarah Ferguson, but don't let it bother you; keep in mind that ¹/₁₂th of the population is also seeing you as Sarah Ferguson, and she wouldn't let a silly thing like that bother her, would she? No she wouldn't.

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Mitchell Harding
This week will be pretty much like every other week of your life. You will experience no earth-shattering events, especially not on Thursday. One piece of advice, though: don't drink that extra cup of coffee in the morning. You'll thank me later.

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Matthew Harding
You will have some bad luck this week - but hey, you didn't want to live forever anyway, right?

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Jessica Loera
They say that "Spring Marches in like a lion and out like a lamb...", don't they? I can never remember exactly how all those trite little mother-isms go. Nevertheless, Taurus, take heed of this possibly erroneous soundbite for it is the harbinger of things to come. Expect seven days of painfully paradoxical events and encounters that will have you wishing by Friday for the winter that never was to bury you under 100 feet of blissfully suffocating snow.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Matt Ray
While walking through your neighborhood, you will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger. After joining him for drinks, he will ask you if you would be willing to sleep with him for a million dollars. The answer is no. He's just a guy who escaped from the local asylum and he doesn't have any money. Don't you have better things to do than going out for drinks with strangers? Also, avoid shell fish and stay home March 10th.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Josh Small
This week you will learn how to kill people on trains. You will also fall in love. Lastly, you will spearhead a movement to rewrite all instruction manuals in poetry [if they aren't already].

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Lora Handley
With the Solar Eclipse in your seventh house, you can expect to feel the urge to take risks - and hey, go for it. You may move up in life! But take time to play. Don't work so hard. Think about your future - what will you be saying to yourself? "I wish I had.....", or will you feel satisfied with your accomplishments? This is the time to realize your dreams and figure out how to accomplish your goals.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Veronika Thelen
Spending too much time in your moon's house can ignite your self-absorbed spark. Remedy this by doing more for others. A special friend you've been neglecting will reward you for your thoughtful favors. This reward, however, is no excuse for ignoring the ones you hate. Terrorize your most despised enemy, and your reward will be twofold. (It's hard to be self-absorbed while your enemy is beating you senseless)

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by John Daugherty
Spring has sprung and it's time to "change your stripes." Maybe try a new daring hobby like jumping out of a plane...parachute suggested, but not necessary. (I felt the stripes reference was necessary since Libra rhymes with Zebra.)

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Tom Warmbrodt
First off, you'll gain weight. Don't try to fight it, you can't fight all those crazy stars.

Secondly, stop being so damn secretive. And vengeful. You're pissing everyone off.

You haven't been owning up to what you should have taken the blame for, for crissakes, and its making me furious. Stop trying to pass the buck, godammit. During the coming week, you are going to duck the blame once again. As usual, you'll do this reflexively. This time, I want you to THINK about it for a second, and maybe feel a twinge of guilt. You'll consider owning up, but you'll think "that crazy astrologer won't be here to know that I did this, I can always claim I didn't do it." WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!?!!?!? HA! I'm watching you RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!

Ahem.

OK. Love is unlucky for you this week -- you'll see someone who strikes your fancy, but you won't be able to make a play. That person will be scooped up by a Leo or an Aries, leaving you bitter and spiteful (this is probably what will cause you to binge and gain weight). Try not to feel so bad: the stars are unclear here, but either your dandruff or your stupid fashion sense would have blown it for you before your mouth could have even sunk you (which it undoubtedly would have).

Try to stop holding grudges, you petty schmuck.

Good news: played out right, this week could be the start of some sort of scam or investment that will yield some bucks. Try not to break the law, and if you do, try not to get caught.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Curtis Klager
The coming week will open many legs far and wide. The surprises and excitement of the week will respect no sexual boundaries as individuals from all walks of life, in every imaginable situation, are faced with unexpected sexual encounters on an hourly basis. This is not to suggest that all that's in store will be painless, for the "little things" are sure to provide a pinch, slap, or scratch, at home, work, rest and play. Be advised that when one's backside is exposed, the eyes averted, and the attention is elsewhere, things are likely to take the most interesting route this week. This should prove to be aweek most conducive for "come-from-behind" adventures of all kinds, and the underdog will surely reign supreme in many bedrooms. There are those who will be interested in "rewriting the how-to books," and many shall provided they keep their emotions in check.