Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Jack Babr
As the laws of natural selection demand, your race will be destroyed and replaced by tigers. This is a bad week for travel, investments, and romance.

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Summer
Ahh, what a good week this will be for Aquarius. For a few days, particularly around Wednesday when the Moon is looking favorable for you, nobody will insult you for being the freak that you are. What's more, the child you are sponsoring in Ecuador will be able to hold off that nasty cholera for another week, thereby leaving your time unspoiled by tragedy.

Be careful around Saturday, however. Your stupid big mouth will get you into trouble if you're not completely cautious. So please, for your own sake, don't tailgate the old lady driving 20mph on the freeway. You never know who's packing a piece these days.

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Andrea Hinkle
Make use of that wonderfully keen pisces noggin of yours. Many opportunities are right under your nose, if you'd only look. Of course, these "opportunities" aren't YOURS---They're other people's opportunities to make an attempt on your life. (Yeah, Virgo-Scum. I'm looking at you.) If their attempts are successful, you'll just be another statistic in the book of life. If they fail, it will set off a chain of events that will ultimately result in the end of civilization as we know it (and your own "untimely" death.) So you have to decide. Do you want to have some dark stranger sneaking into your home and throwing a radio into your tub whilst you are bathing; or do you want to wait a week, cause immense pain and suffering to untold billions, and accidentally drop a radio in the tub whilst bathing? Think, damnit. Think.
Your lucky color is Blue.

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Kenneth Krog
For those of you who survived last week I would consider life insurance, your horoscope is not looking so good. Aw, heck, it looks so bad you might want to get life insurance for your whole family, and YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO (the good news is your cat will survive, but it is the one that is trying to kill you).

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Helen Reyes-Ortiz
Something that you have longed to do will now be possible. Unfortunately it will not be so enjoyable, in fact, as it was in imagination. Remember it costs nothing to say "I love you". Be reasonable.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Carla Magnolia Laos
This week, people find you so dependable that they regard you as a sibling--if you are a boy they wish you were a sister and vice versa. An event happens mid week that changes the way others see you-- in a glowing, spontaneous, and festive way. Thursday night is a guaranteed booty call, so make sure you don't start a fight with that 'someone'. This weekend you will eat your meals in the company of good friends, so polish up on those table manners (Use that fork)!

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Rita Johnson
A new spork may get rid of those broken nails that have been nagging you recently. A buffalo wins you compliments from a lot of elderly men. Spend some time this weekend chillin wit da homies in da ghetto. A gnu asks you for help with her love life, ignore her until she promises to butter your toes. Do your hair to save some sponge with angels. When your teeth start falling out later this week, don't forget to blame it on the pomace. A spiderman will approach you for a dinner date later tonight. Accept! Bondage is always an open option!

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Brian Handley
Keep an eye on your personal possessions this week, perhaps moreso than you are used to. This is a good week to practice what you preach. All the things that you have been working on for weeks are just within your grasp, although you may have to allow someone else to help finish it or failure will be imminent. Though some events this week may place you under pressure or cause you to feel an increased need for security, the process is essentially a positive one. This is a good week to spend concentrating on your income tax reports. If you do them yourself you need to take a little extra time to be sure you aren't missing anything. If you pay someone else, you will be audited in the future. Any vaccines received this week will result in full-fledged forms of the disease. Be wary of Sagittarius. Relationships with Gemini will be prosperous.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Danielle Gaither
You are an incredible control freak. Consider loosening your grip a little bit. You'll make a lot more friends that way. You might want to think about getting laid as soon as possible.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Mitchell Harding
Lightning seldom strikes in the same place twice...or does it? This will be a week full of surprises. Watch your back. To begin with, everyone you know will die. And believe me, that's just the beginning. Be on the lookout for improvement later in the week when a select few of your loved ones will return as brain-hungry living dead, bent on vengeance against you, the last of the living. Stay positive!

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Carol Handley
Scorpios must heed this critical fashion advice. It is not spring yet. DO NOT jump start spring with your Hawaiian shirts, shorts, and bikinis. The result would be far worse than the groundhog seeing his shadow. A single Scorpio sporting pre-seasonal wear will cause global cooling to such an extent that it will snow 2 feet on St. Patrick's Day encompassing the entire northern hemisphere causing all parades and birthdays to be cancelled. Pisces's would never forgive you. The next Ice Age will start at exactly 3:11 a.m. on April 5th. All life as we know it would become extinct within a few months, except for roaches, the only species that cannot be eradicated from the face of the earth. Wear your long johns. Chartreuse cardigan sweaters would be a nice touch accompanying your kelly green woolens on the 17th.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Julie Fournier
It's perfectly clear to me and the rest of the world that on the 16th of March, at exactly 3:14pm, you will stub your toe. I won't try to kid you; it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt bad. Just walk it off. I know it hurts, and you'll want to scream and double over, but take it from me -- you really should walk it off. Be a man, man. Jesus. Do I have to tell you*everything*? Sheesh.