Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Helen Reyes-Ortiz
Instead of being annoyed of what has gotten wrong, try taking steps to prevent recurrence. YOU are more sensitive to noise so try not to expose yourself to it. Use just a little more common sense. Be resourceful

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by John Daugherty
It's "sink or swim" this week for you, Aquarius. The sharks are out in the waters in full force and thirsty for your blood. My best advice is to get out of the water. My worst advice is to become an "appetizer" for a gaggle of sharks (or is that school? or flock?). Anyway...stay away from a lot of sharks this week. Next week, they will be your friends again.
Lucky number: 542 (search for the hidden meaning, it's there, it really is)
Lucky street sign: STOP (only if the sign is purple)
Lucky telephone number: 512-555-1212 (only if you have 75 cents)
Lucky dog: Buck (only if he has 3 legs)

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Serena Fitchard
The moon is aligned with Uranus this week meaning that you will find happiness in the company of new friends. Your lucky days are Monday and Friday. Thursday doesn't look very promising; I suggest you stay in bed. Your lighthearted nature will cause you to try new things this week. Enjoy your newfound freedom, while you can, for next week will bring....... (well you'll have to wait and see). Be good to yourself; eat lots of vegetables and avoid fortune cookies because they are high in carbohydrates (and full of shit).

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Lora Handley
This week, be wary of an overwhelming urge to wear undergarments outside of your clothes, unless in the privacy of your own home or during the filming of some sort of adult movie. All that aside, eat as much chocolate as you can and your week will fill you with a sense of satisfaction.

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Mitchell Harding
This just isn't your week. I have no idea where to begin. Avoid public places. Boil your water and don't let it out of your sight before drinking it. If you have any camouflage garments, this is the week to pull them from the back of your closet. You can never have too much insurance. Don't fly, sail, or accept any invitations for rides in a dirigible, a submarine, or a spaceship. Finally, take shallow breaths whenever possible.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Derrick Page
2 things: Keep loved ones close; keep enemies far, FAR away. Your neighboring Cancer will betray you if you're not careful. Leo, as always, might prove costly. Rely on family and friends to bail you out of trying situations this week. If you assume you've got things in order for an upcoming event, you're a fool. Your key phrase for enduring this harsh time will be, "I better check the shorts to pants ratio again." You might find that if you have no ill-wishers about you that some of your friends, possibly even family members, have become turncoats. The fortunate (those with 3 inch heels) will see things brighter come this weekend. All wrongs can possibly be remedied if you remember to do your laundry.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Matthew Harding
You will be shocked and rather disappointed to learn that approximately 8.5% of the population will have exactly the same week as you.

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Rita Johnson
You are a lion. Run around in the jungle and rip things apart with your razor sharp teeth today. Everyone shall fear you. Don't let them tell you what to do; Rip out their jugular. Kill them. They are inferior.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Jack Babr
This week, you'll discover the true meaning of the words "love hurts" when an overly-friendly porcupine finds its way into your bed.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Rasputin
I'm a big black cat. What do I know about your week? I'll tell you what I know: my water needs to be freshened (although I prefer drinking it from the faucet anyway), my litter needs to be changed, and my fur is all over the floor of my room. So for this week, be sure to pet any cats you come across and always fear my terrible wrath.

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Kenneth Krog
No horoscope this time, you just weren't good enough.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Andrea Hinkle
Sagittarius, you sly bastard. Don't think that no one will notice when you run off with that monument. Monument, you ask? Yeah, baby. You're going to WASHINGTON FREAKIN D.C.! You'll even get to ride in an airplane. First class? well....nope. Coach? Nuh-uh. Stand by? Okay, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but...would you object to the idea of being drugged and stuffed in a giant duffel bag, riding along with all of the other baggage? Too bad. It's not like you have a choice or anything. On the bright side, you were supposed to be going to Rhode Island with the kidnappers to be used as a bargaining chip. Don't say you're not lucky. By the way, spring is here, so dress appropriately for your little...journey. And stay away for the Lincoln Memorial. That's not a warning, it's a threat. Oh, and about Wednesday, you'll be blessed with new life in your household. Rats. Thousands of rats with intelligent eyes and opposable thumbs. Your lucky camel is bactrian.