Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Jack Babr
All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no play makes Jack a dull tiger. All work and no
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Curtis Klager
Romance will be yours. Be on the lookout for Cancers with dark hair. Also, in financial matters, be thrifty, for there is a lot to be lost and little to be gained. You can expect this week to be very ordinary in all other respects. You may find it boring, and we all know patience is something you lack. Small rewards await you if you can put on a happy face and manage to tough it out. Also, you will find yourself stuck in an elevator with a talking turtle.
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by John Daugherty
Good fortune smiles on you this week. Unfortunately, it's because you have a piece of parsley stuck in your teeth. Your friends you ate dinner with 3 hours ago didn't even tell you that it was there. You hate them. You will kill them or just decide to not tell them next time they look like an idiot. Yeah, that's the ticket! Also, eat lots of butter this week.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Rita Johnson
Spiderman WILL eat you for dinner if you're not careful. Try to live by this quote: "A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you." Don't say anything you don't mean. Don't say anything offensive even if it's true. If the toads start with you again, make sure you show them who's boss and try not to eat the flowers. Staples are enticing but not very good for you.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Carol Handley
You're in for big money sometime this week, at least whatever fits your definition of "big money." Could only be $1, but it will be a pleasant surprise and big money to you. You will also find that many of your friends, and some perfect strangers, will confide their troubles in you. You will begin to wonder, "Do I have a sign on my forehead that says 'tell me your life story?'" Don't avoid these people. Grin and bear it because they need a friend, and you've been nominated. Someone in your life will be pushy this week.....let it go. Be patient with him/her. It won't last long, and your patience will reap rewards.
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Veronika Thelen
You will be walking down a street with the letters "a," "e," and "l" in its name this week and you will see a shiny thing on the ground. When you bend over to pick it up you will realize that the persistent ache in your spine is suddenly gone. Upon inspection, the shiny thing will blind your eyes with visions of underwater stars and a glittery tide. Then as you become aware of your surroundings again you will feel the sun on your back and notice that everyone around you is looking up into the sky which is filled with spirals and squiggles of scarlet, vermilion, turquoise, violet.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Danielle Gaither
Well, the fact that your sign is the name of a fatal disease does not bode well. The fact that one of my really scummy ex-boyfriends is a Cancer (in both the astrological and metaphorical senses) bodes even less well. But the fact that my wonderful grandmother is a Cancer works in your favor. So to counteract all these forces working against you, I suggest you work on making a mean pecan pie, as that will win you more friends than trying to impress everyone with how tough you are. Trust me on this one.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Matthew Harding
Your love life takes an interesting turn this week when you stand too close to the lion cage during your local zoo's newly-instituted "Happy Hour".
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Sarah Kraul
With Mercury still in retrograde, this week will bring many challenges, most likely in the form of a Jehovah's Witness on your doorstep. Remember to think twice before taking action, as Virgi (?!) are likely to act too quickly. Barbed wire, electricity, farm animals (yes, even piglets), and vaseline are not the answer to every problem. Even ones involving Jehovah's Witnesses.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Andrea Hinkle
Bone up to the fact that people find you as annoying as all get out. Then learn how to maximize that annoyance to get what you want. You may alienate yourself somewhat, but I promise that by wednesday you won't care. Because, by Wednesday, you will have annoyed the right persons, and will be put on a one way flight to Hawaii. And not the touristy part, either. Live it up. Piss off the hula girls. They're already spitting in your drinks. Be smug. Don't wear yellow.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Helen Reyes-Ortiz
A friend who has done you a favor should be left in no doubt of your gratitude. A friendly discussion is all too liable to turn into an argument. If you have made a mistake, admit it rather than blaming something or someone else. Be respectful.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Andrea Golden and Veronica Bond
Watch out for falling rocks, especially on the 23d, which also happens to be the day an ugly, disease-ridden, Mexican prostitute will accost you for your pet ferret. Beware large pieces of sheet metal on the 4th, as it is imperative to the future of the world that you are not killed before losing your ferret, because he holds the key to the total annihilation of the moon.