Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Danielle Gaither
Let's see, Capricorn is the Goat. And goats eat tin cans. While there may be plenty of minerals in tin cans, I would personally advise against actually eating them yourself. You may require intensive psychotherapy to overcome your goat-like nature. You'll know for sure if such action is necessary when you start bleating at loved ones.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Helen Reyes-Ortiz
Once again you are taking far too much for granted. You should also avoid putting the cart before the horse. Your lucky numbers are 10 and 33. Give others the benefit of even the slightest doubt. Be explicit.
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Lora Handley
This week will surprise you with the number of passes made to you by the opposite sex. However, with your intuitive nature, Pisces, you will be able to tell the real from the fake. Also, you should be able to get a job at a strip club--since we all know that is what you want to do--either as a dancer or waitress (for the females) or a bouncer/DJ (for the males). Work it, baby, own it.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Andrea Golden
With the moon in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars, you might want to stay away from chicken and McDonald's. Your dreams will become especially important to you this week, particularly the one about the sadistic panda who wants to fellate you with his car cigarette lighter. Beware the mon chi chi seeking revenge.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Jack Babr
This week, your resolve will crumble and you will use the cheese grater in a manner its designers never intended. Your lucky number: 911
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Ed Graham
Beware of strangers posing as friends. Someone will try to steal your identity this week. But when they find out your credit rating is so bad they can't qualify for even a library card, let alone a credit card, they will seek revenge. Do not accept any unsolicited packages from UPS or Federal Express. The contents will be coated with a biological warfare agent known as "Millicent". It will induce an uncontrollable urge to respond to any spam you receive in your email.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Sarah Kraul
An attempt should be made on your part this week to understand and be sympathetic to the feelings of those around you. Though your boy/girlfriend's mother seems to be cold, frigid, and unfeeling, it is best to avoid commenting to her on the similarity between her pet poodle's yapping and her own, as well as the similarity of their hairstyles, and, especially, the nature of the relationship between the woman and her beloved pet. Remember, poodles have feelings too.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Stacie Herrington
A loved one will offer some sound advice. Don’t take it. Your pigheaded loved ones are always trying to screw with your head and the truth is they are just jealous because you can eat more than they can. Watch your back around them, and you should get by. You are particularly vulnerable to amoebic dysentery this week so don’t drink any water or brush your teeth. It is also a bad week for laundry or showers, but fortunately a great one for whiskey and most barbituates.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Kenneth Krog
The stars are stacked against you this week; perhaps you should have taken the advice last week about the farm animals and vaseline. Avoid that farm--the farmer has a shotgun.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Carol Handley
You have a lot of unfinished projects. Or rather, unstarted projects. It's time to get off your duff and do something about them. Check your fluid levels, your belts, and your hoses. Do not wait for the ominous "check engine" light to get yourself into action.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Brian Handley
This week is dominated by conditions that may affect your material and spiritual oneness. Your energy level will be very high. Take advantage of the situation, get organized, plan strategically and you'll be amazed at how much you can accomplish. Tackle all of those old projects that have been sitting on the back-burner and perhaps even the back porch. You can easily expand your home environment and enlarge your circle of friends and family. If you've been thinking of getting a tattoo, it would be a good idea this week. Think twice before trusting a Pisces this week.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Veronica Bond
With Mercury and Saturn aligned and the third moon of Jupiter in the house of the rising sun, your own love life will be put to shame as your mother finally finds her soulmate in a jar of pickles. Attached? Beware the sadistic koala as it seeks to take advantage of you and steal your unborn children. Single? Not to worry as a Tom Jones look-alike will soon come to sweep you off you feet...and store you in his trunk...and drown you in the Mississippi River.