Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Jack Babr
How the hell do *I* know what's going to happen to you next week? Am I some kind of fucking psychic?!
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Brian Handley
Things are looking up for you. You're so money, you don't even know it. Avoid reading the classifieds Tuesday morning and your week will be just stupendous. Avoid the post office this week. Don't say I didn't warn you. However, if you do not heed the warning, good fortune will be bestowed upon the recipients of your internal organs after you die. If you've been wondering about your taxes, great rewards if you file by Thursday. Stay away from Sagittarian females. Especially if you are male. A relationship with Virgo will surprise you this week.
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Ed Graham
This is the week for opportunities; in business, personal relationships, education, and even politics. It is the time to be aggressive in all aspects of your lie. Throw caution to the winds, take the bull by the horns and don't be afraid to take risks. One thing will be of utmost importance, however. Keep the phone number to your nearest bail bondsman in your pocket at all times.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Sarah Kraul
Make no mistake this week, Aries, the world is laughing at you. So, go ahead, jump off that bridge. Drop that toaster in the bathtub. Drive off of that cliff that has always looked so appealing. After all, your life is worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory. And, remember - smile.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Stacie Herrington
The bad news is that you will soon be rejected in a love matter. The good news is that it won’t hurt as much as you might expect, since you are getting used to this sort of thing. Just try to see the humor in it. You’ re right, there really isn’t a reason to live, per se … other than the fact that this week will be exceptionally lucky for you in the lottery. Buy as many tickets as you possibly can. Put off all other expenses, use your whole paycheck, take out a loan if you’ve got the credit – but this extraordinary astrological inversion of the odds will not last long, so ACT NOW!
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Rita Johnson
Break off a friendship today, it will brighten your life!! Don't catch butterflies or they'll haunt you until you're 82. Unless of course you're already 82. Then by all means go for it and succeed. Your lucky animal is the african hippopotamus and your lucky number is pi.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Kenneth Krog
Your horoscope this week makes as much sense as last week's. I suggest you consider a better option of divining the future: bird entrails, goats heart, the flip of a coin...
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by John Daugherty
You are lion...hear you roar! Get up your courage to ask the person out that you've been wanting to ask FOREVER. Sure, they'll still reject you, just like you thought, but hey...at least now you know, thanks to me. Your lucky dart is purple this week.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Veronica Bond
As a member of the greatest sign of the zodiac, you look in the mirror and realize that you are the most beautiful person to have ever graced this earth. Soon, an incredibly sexy, tall, lanky, kilt-worthy man in khakis will fall in love with you and will be seduced by your amazing powers of sexual persuasion. Blonde, scruffy men in black trench coats will find themselves extremely envious and will commit suicide over you.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Andrea Golden
Be careful who you make arbitrary judgments about this week, because they are planning their revenge for your unfounded slurs on their characters. Even as you read this they are choosing weapons and looking for your name in the phone book. Looking for love? Don't look too hard because an old flame from sixth grade is planning his/her big move on you for reconciliation. Beware of short men in trench coats, and do not, under any circumstances, accept offers to have your pet monkey shaved. These actions can only lead to disaster.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Carol Handley
One word. SUNSCREEN. You can't get enough this week. Skin cancer is a high probability. You will meet someone new who will absolutely intrigue you. Don't trust this person. An old friend will betray you. Come to think of it, just stay in bed all week. It's safer.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Helen Reyes-Ortiz
Guesswork should be avoided unless there is no choice. And then you should check the result at best as you are able. Things are not what they quite they seem to be, so do look, further beneath the surface. Be hopeful.