Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Courtney
WARNING: Do NOT answer the phone at all on Tuesday or perhaps Friday. It will bring you lifelong bad luck. (i.e. continuous and incurable ringworm, and the occasional brick through your windshield and/or bedroom window--- that sort of thing) Don't ask me how I know this, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. If you get ringworm or some other kind of itchy fungus, don't come looking for me, I'm just the messenger, buddy.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Andrea Golden
It is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, so begin feeling lucky. Except for on Thursday, when that random brick will come flying out of nowhere and strike you dead. I'd tell you to avoid construction sites at all costs, but by the time that bulldozer smashes you to itty bits, the brick will have already done you in. The good news, however, is that you will meet the love of your life on Wednesday. Have lots of unprotected, wild sex because you'll never have the chance again!
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Sarah Kraul
This week, Pisces, things are looking up. After last week's run-in with the law, this week's mail bomb (received on Tuesday in an ordinary brown paper package with no return address) will be a welcome surprise. Let's just hope you read this horoscope before Tuesday, though, because once those shards of metal get lodged in your eyeballs, seeing will prove rather difficult.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Veronica Bond
Remember those fantasies where your favorite celebrity would take advantage of you and you'd enjoy it? You're in luck! It's going to happen! Most people will be appalled, however, to find out your favorite celebrity is Burt Reynolds. Oh well, you're the one who's going to fuck him and they'll just be jealous.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Danielle Gaither
Contemplate domestic turmoil.
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Stacie Herrington
Someone you care for and trust will make you feel inadequate in bed. Orange is your lucky cola flavor. Virgo is your lucky dance partner. Smoke lots of marijuana, but stay away from horoscopes – they only lead to harder-core new age shit.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Ed Graham
Look for ways to turn your hobbies into income opportunities. You might be surprised at how lax law enforcement has become.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Casey McKenzie
Your best bet this week is just to kick everyone's ass. You can always apologize later, but this way, you cover all your bases. Nobody likes you anyway. You just think they do, but what do you know? You also thought that girl that chased you on the playground in third grade and beat you up when she caught you had a crush on you. She didn't. She just liked seeing you bleed.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Veronika Thelen
The ambiguous Samba you've been hearing in your head DOES mean something. If you keep listening you'll find that the next song is a Mambo. You may not have realized that cigars are cheap right now so pack your bags and head to Havana. While you're there, don't forget to see the Cuban Postal Museum.
Your lucky beverage: Cuba Libre. In a highball glass put one ounce light rum, fill with Coke, add a lime wedge.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Carol Handley
You will experience an amazing event within the next few days that will cause you to reevaluate everything in your life. Reevaluation is good and change is often good - but pause before you do anything drastic. Wait a week and see if you still feel the same way. Don't let new and fascinating emotions ruin a good thing.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Tom Warmbrodt
Once again, it's another week of lying, cheating, and misrepresenting yourself. You'll cause everyone who knows when your birthday is to wonder, "Is everyone who is a Scorpio such a bitch, or just you?"
An example: In the bar, when you get asked what your sign is, you'll answer, "Scorpio" and waggle your eyebrows dangerously. "The Passionate," you'll amend, just in case the querent doesn't know their basic astrology.
Why are Scorpios considered to be passionate and sensual? Answer: They Aren't. That bald-faced lie was spread by a disgruntled astrologer who was himself a Scorpio. He had gathered enough clout in the field over the years to set that theoretical precedent, and now all uneducated mystics adhere to that wrong, wrong concept. But you can't really be surprised that he'd lie like that. He was a Scorpio. It's what they do best.
After frustrating your patient peer group with your transparent deceit, you'll ignorantly smile that smug little smile and think that you've pulled the wool over their eyes yet again. Don't believe it. Everyone sees right through you, you bastard.
The guilt of lying won't really get to you this week. In the coming weeks, you might have a conscience crisis and confess to someone that you are a pathological liar and a complete tool. Later, once you realize what you have done, you'll have to kill them and hide the body. Remember that you need to weigh down dead bodies that are thrown into lakes or reservoirs. Use an overzealous ratio -- anchor-grade freeweights are the best for this purpose, even if they are more expensive than cinderblocks.
Have a nice week, shmucko! Good lord, I hope that someday I get to do a different horoscope than Scorpio! ARGH!!! Scrying the Scorpio's future always depresses me.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Rita Johnson
Beware of men wielding two fingers in the general direction of your stomach. Keep away from Ninja Turtle lunchboxes. Eat some marshmallows and you may live through the week. Now leave, or I shall poke you in the eye!