Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Carol Handley
This week you will find yourself working among a bunch of dunces. You will shine at your job; they will dim at theirs. Perhaps you will even earn a promotion this week, because your peers won't be the only ones who dim. Your confidence will soar and you will be tempted to take on a project of huge proportions. Be wary of how you treat those dunces you work with. You will need their help.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Danielle Gaither
Abandon hope for future plans.
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Sarah Kraul
This week will bring with it a surge of inner strength, Pisces. You'll finally have the willpower to complete that task you've been putting off for so long. You must not forget, however, in that whirlwind of energy, to pay attention to the minor details. Bury the knife, burn your clothes, and, this time, for Christ's sake, Pisces, weight down the damned body.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Rita Johnson
Don't let tutus scare you. Go with the pretty boys when they ask you to. You're beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Casey McKenzie
You don't deserve a psychic reading, they named a Ford after you.
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Josh Small
This week you will be invited to attend an awards ceremony. To remain unscathed, you should bring the following items with you: grappling hook, two pulleys, and a laser pointer strapped to a block of ice. Start making an escape plan today--and hurry. This is a good week to learn how to swim, if you don't already know how.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Andrea Golden
Be happy, Cancer, this week is looking up for you! Not only will you meet someone really sexy, but you will also get to keep their llama as a new pet. Look out for troubled times ahead, though. I foresee an extreme pony shortage and a long trip in the near future, accompanied by a horribly ugly man who forces you to stop every half hour so that he can use the bathroom.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Tom Warmbrodt
While working in the coming week on the plans to create an army of robots to unleash upon unsuspecting nations and ensure your own world domination, you will suddenly realize that this whole plan won't work unless you can finish your vibratory magnetic decelerator first.
The VMD will effectively surround their grounding source (i.e. the individual robots) with force fields making them impervious to all physical harm. Thanks to your ingenious power source designs, your average bullet would need to be traveling approx. Mach 15 to penetrate the force field.
As you work on the tesla shelter for the VMD, you'll pontificate how easily thwarted your robots are by energy weapons (such as high intensity lasers). You'll realize that this gaping hole in your defense must be met preemptively, and your subsequent robot armor schema will set the standard for the coming decades in radiation reflection and diffusion.
You've got a big week ahead of you; there are patents to file and prototypes to draft! Crack your knuckles and get down to business!
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Andrea Hinkle
Dear Virgo Scum,
Sorry about your parakeet, Maurice. But you have to admit, he did look pretty tasty. So, consider this payback for when you accidentally ran over my dog and got me deported. Then set my house on fire. I hate you.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Jack Babr
Jupiter and the sun are in alignment, Venus is in the fourth house, and Mercury is waning, which strongly suggests that you are a loser and you smell.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Stacie Herrington
Buy low, sell high. Your lucky number is pi.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Brian Handley
Oh, Sagittarius... it is a bad week for you. If you forgot Aries' birthday, stay far away from that person for the rest of your life. It is too late to reconcile now. The friendship is forever lost. Otherwise, pain and strife is in your outcome for the week. Especially if you are female. You aren't even safe if you stay in bed all week. It would be good to check the balance of the ceiling fan blades in your room before the end of the week. Shaving all your genital hair will increase your odds for sex this week. Shaving _all_ your bodily hair will increase your chances for itching this week. Your LM1485 chip will go out in your digital alarm clock when it rains this week. Casual sex with Capricorn will result in great pleasure. Otherwise, long term relationships do not look hopeful this week.