Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Summers Case
Let's discuss last week. We all know there was no random sexual encounter with an Aries. It's out. You stayed home last week and watched "Sybil" several times per night. It's ok, we've been through this before. Now let's be realistic.
I've got one word for you: trash. Yes, trash. As in fashion. Whatever your style this week, Capricorn, make it trashy. Trash is the theme of the new millennium and this week it's got your name written all over it. Fashion this week is of utmost importance, kids. Not so you can make icky with those revolting Aries people, but for global improvement. Think outside the box. Make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place for us all.
For boys, I'm recommending tweed. And creepers with dice on them. Messy hair full of... product. Studied yet casual. NO nylon tracksuits, NO sports-oriented shoes, and absolutely NO lifting up your damn shirt to rub at your stomach. That is just not attractive, and anyone who does this in public as some sort of sick athlete's mating dance needs to be prevented from breeding. Got it?
Now for the good stuff: Rhinestones for women. As in bracelets. And girls, I'm talking take-it-to-extremes. This week is about YOU, baby, so go ahead. Do it. Rope him in with the bracelets, tie him up with the red mascara, and do whatever the hell you want with the aerosol glitter spray. he won't even blink and eye when you tell him you're on medication. And that's the way it should be.
Confidential to my two favorite January Twelfthers: L., I have not been avoiding you for six damn weeks, and M., really... three hours worth of trivial pursuit. Hard to believe. We all know you were [insert shameful and highly stigmatized activity here].

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Courtney
Being a Water Sign, you are normally cool, calm and collected. But this week you're in a BAD mood. Something's bothering you but you don't know how to deal with it. Assert yourself! Don't hesitate to smack people! Even old people! (you know some of those curmudgeons have it coming to them) This week, BE the dirty bastard you've always wanted to be, but just couldn't because of your ascribed peace loving hippy Aquarian designation. Also, it might be a good idea to gamble your entire life savings on the 7th; if you're ever going to have a really really lucky day- it's this one, I think.

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Danielle Gaither
Hmmm, a fishy requisit-t-t-t-te? Avoid the salmon this week unless you're some kind of sick cannibal in which case you deserve whatever happens to you. Be nice to service employees, especially overworked waitresses. Not that I know any...

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Tom Warmbrodt
Oh come all ye Aries, so strong and so kind, and seek not your fortune down in the mine. It'll form as a habit, something (the mine): Where its dark as a dungeon and damp as the dew. Danger is doubled, pleasures are few. Where the wind never blows and the sun never shines.
OH SEEK NOT YE FORTUNE DOWN IN THE MINE.

If Johnny Cash said that, it's good enough for you to obey.

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Lidia
You may find yourself battling an uncontrollable urge; for example, you may want to dye your hair green. Don't listen to your parents and friends when they tell you it's a bad idea, just do it. They're the same people who told you in elementary school not to be ashamed of that ugly sweater they bought you. Just wear it, they said, and ignore anyone who made fun of you. But where did that get you? All the cool kids were laughing at you because you weren't wearing a cool sweatshirt with a picture from the latest disney movie. Thursday is your unlucky day: watch out, or you may get run over by a truck.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Andrea Hinkle
Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch. Bad Touch.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Matthew Harding
This week will be an idyllic existence, full of bliss and happiness, not to mention many attractive and scantily-clad members of the opposite sex anxious to perform your every command. You will want for nothing this week- all of your desires will be met and your hopes attained. That is, of course, unless you are Derrick Page, in which case you will be hit by a truck. Maybe two.

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Andrea Golden
The fat man walks alone, carrying only an embroidered pillow and a pack of chewing gum. So long as you bring a condom, or even just some saran wrap, and the ever-handy rubber band, you should be just fine.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Sarah Kraul
Love hides in the strangest places, Virgo, or so the song says. This week those words will hit frighteningly close to home. Don't listen to what everyone else is telling you. Love CAN hide in tubs of Crisco. Love CAN hide in the Montgomery Ward's maternity catalogue. And, yes, love CAN hide in small woodland creatures - you just have to know where to look.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Carol Handley
It's time to invest in your retirement. Visit your bank or get a financial advisor. Open a new account or increase deposits to an existing account. Don't procrastinate as you are so prone to do. You're going to live past 100, so what are you waiting for? Your golden years will cost you a pretty penny.

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Brian Farr
Your life is shit. You aren't fooling anyone. Admit this to yourself... and do something about it. Your lucky animal was that rodent you wrapped in duct tape and shoved up your ass. Fat lot of good it did you both.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Stacie Herrington
Change is good. Do not change your clothes, but do empty change from your pockets periodically. Save the change in a jar or a jug or other container designated for the purpose, so that you will always have plenty for laundry, orange cola, and phone calls. You can roll the pennies and trade them at a bank or grocery store for more useful coins or even cash if you want, but you should keep some to make exact change because that’s satisfying and often helpful. On the other hand, saving all your pennies until you have enough to make a major purchase is also rather satisfying. When I was twelve I bought the CD More Songs About Buildings and Food with only pennies. Now it’s lost. I still have the case.