Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Lidia
I see a dark, luminous cloud in your future.... no, no, wait, that's a coffee stain on the crystal ball. This week, you are likely to encounter someone whose name sounds like "chicken" or something related... perhaps "fried"... or maybe "dead".... ah, that's it: Fred.
So this Fred person (who may be male or female) is probably going to buy you dinner. Maybe chicken. Don't wear anything nice that day... Fred is a clutz and will most likely spill wine on you. Other than that, your week will have no events out of the ordinary. My advice is to buy a cat: many cultures believe that they bring good luck (and you'll *really* need it come June... you'll probably want the cat potty-trained by then). Also, I hear they're pretty good at catching chickens. Your lucky day will be Wednesday, when tripping over someone's foot and nearly breaking your nose against the pavement, you will encounter a quarter.

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Veronica Bond
If you had ever wondered if having dual personalities was good, this is the week to find out. Unfortunately your doped up rock-star personality doesn't quite mesh with your Ghandi alter-ego, and you end up assassinating yourself, Raskolnikov style (axe to the head). No one attends your funeral, not even those you've managed to brainwash.

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Summers Case
I must admit, my dear Pisces, that I am awash with disappointment. You had such potential, and now look what you did. Honestly.
Now really, pumpkin, I hate to harp on these things, but you're going to have to do better. What with the alignment of the planets lending a general thingyness to your astrological forecast this week, you've got to be careful. Avoid brown clothing (most offensive) and white socks, do not under any circumstances travel on boats, and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do pay attention to the appearance of your feet.
In the words of someone you might be well acquainted with had you not been busy acting as if you were raised in a barn, "In this life, you can either shut yourself up in a country house and stare into a newt tank, or you can be a dasher with the sex. You can't do both." Go forth, diddums, but beware: Loathsome behavior such as was displayed last week will not be tolerated in future.

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Sarah Kraul
Remember when your mom always told you to make sure you were wearing clean underwear in case you got hit by a bus? You wouldn't want all those witnesses, paramedics, doctors and nurses to see that you are wearing dirty underwear, would you? Well, Aries, that little pearl of wisdom is going to come in quite handy this week. Around Thursday, as a matter of fact. Unfortunately, your mother left out part of that little rule. Wearing your thong underwear backwards for enjoyment is a great pastime - believe me, I know. But, Aries, don't wear your thong on Thursday. Ignore this warning if you wish. At least you'll know what all of those people will be laughing at as they stand over your broken, dying body.

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Carol Handley
An older adult in your life (perhaps a parent, grandparent, or great-uncle twice removed) misses you very much. It's time to pay that person a visit. Take other visitors with you. Also, this week you will find a long, lost friend. Have a cappucino! Reminisce!

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Stacie Herrington
Tell the world your horrible secret. Yeah, you know the secret I’m talking about. The world will laugh at you and your filthy secret, but remember: there’s nothing a really good pistol whippin’ can’t teach most folks. All debt incurred by credit card this week will be forever erased during a computer failure Saturday at 11:23 AM, so charge all you want between now and then. For more personalized psychic advice, please feel free to e-mail me. Include the number and expiration date of a major credit card.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Casey McKenzie
Cancer......doesn't that just say it all?

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Kenneth Krog
Can YOU feel the love tonight? If not, try snorkeling.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by John Daugherty
You are stuck up and really need to work on your obsessive compulsive tendencies. Everything doesn't always have to be perfect! Get a life! Ah, I feel much better now. Don't comb your hair today.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Brian Handley
Oh what it is to be a Libra. Let's see, I roll the dice and get... 6 and 3. Whether this is interpreted as 9, 18, 36, 63, 216, or 729 is not within my powers to predict. However, Libra begins in the 9th month of the Gregorian calendar. There's a start. One can legally vote, buy tobacco products, buy pornography, and be tried as an adult at the age of 18. if you have upcoming election this week, vote. Smoke or chew tobacco or continue to do so. And you should buy pornography, watch pornography, create pornography, or search for it on the internet. Stay away from child pornography or you may be tried as an adult. The other 3 numbers baffle me to no end. Hopefully, you will have 729 orgasms this week (if you're female and want to achieve this goal, send me email).

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Jack Babr
This week, all humans named Jim Priz will be anally violated by blue whales. Lonely, desperate blue whales.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Lora Handley
An unshakable feeling that a man wearing nothing but women's underwear is following you has been bothering you for a while hasn't it, Sag? Well, have no fear, it happens to everyone at least once in their lives, twice for most Sags. Stay sober and well fed, and the feeling should pass soon enough. Thought for the week: Remember, today is yesterday's tomorrow- quit procrastinating.