Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Veronica Bond
Two words: autoerotic asphyxiation.

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Courtney
Aquarius, you are in a funk. And when I say funk, I don't mean you're a brick house, cause *YOU* know that you are baby. This would be a good time to take a break and sort things through. Hide out from your friends, loved ones, and responsibilities for a week or so-- I recommend taking up unlawful residence in someone's barn (without their permission) in the sticks for a few days -- the sense of danger of being pitchforked to death by the quietly insane farmer with something to hide and who doesn't take kindly to trespassers will help you get your priorities in order. Commune with the livestock-- it will clear your head. And when I say commune I don't mean COMMUNE.

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by John Daugherty
Try to be a little less anal this week, although that may be difficult given your unique ability to turn a lump of coal into a diamond when inserted into a certain orifice of your body. People really find your anal quality more annoying than helpful. Give it a rest? Do you get the point? You are taking notes, aren't you, you anal person, you!

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Casey McKenzie
This week, you'll get a phone call from an old friend from elementary school. Okay, so they remember you, but you don't remember them and you sit on the phone for an hour while they blab on about their kids in the soccer league while you try and figure out who the hell they are and have year books from 1977 until the present day spread out around you but you can't find their name and you're starting to panic and then you realize.....who CARES??? You knew this person in elementary for a year and stuck glue up his nose--or so he says. HANG UP ON HIM! GO GET A LIFE!

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Sarah Kraul
You know what, Taurus? I'm tired. I'm hungry. And, I have a shit load of work to do. Consequently, I don't feel like using my psychic powers to formulate your horoscope. You think you're so damned special just because you're a Taurus? Well, guess what, fuck face. You're not. Not by a long shot. So, stop your bitching and whining, and go find someone who cares. Have a nice week.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Lidia
If you've ever considered quitting school/work and moving into the middle of a dense forest, this is not the week to do it. If you move to a tropical rain forest, then you are likely to be attacked by wild monkeys who throw sticks at you. This happens because after a few days of social isolation, you become hungry and try to steal their bananas. If they catch you, run! Being the only animal smart enough to use tools, they will use those sticks to jab your heart out.

In the case that you move to a pine forest, you will be attacked by bears.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Carol Handley
Go home. You don't need to be there. Just pack up your things and go. On the way, stop and get one of those huge fountain drinks from a dirty little convenience store. You'll be glad you did.

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Danielle Gaither
Why are all Leos such drama queens? Stop it. Let someone else have the spotlight for once. Your constant attention-hogging is pissing people off. The world does not revolve around you, silly.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Andrea Hinkle
Take advantage of the warm weather by...staying indoors. Preferably in the basement, away from all windows. The sun can give you cancer. Of course at the rate things are going for you, I wouldn't worry about a little melanoma. I would, of course, worry about the spider monkeys.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Lora Handley
Your week will be monotonous and extremely boring. You will do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, other than an occasional sexual encounter involving a chainsaw, but these days, even that's pretty ordinary, right? Be kind to any giraffes you may come across, they are feeling lonely this week.

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Summers Case
As own intellect is unsuitable for addressing magnitude of astrological situation facing us this week, shall quote friend we will call "Emily" (because that is her name, you see): "Grab your ankles."

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Andrea Golden
Lately, Sagittarius, your life seems to be increasingly resembling that of an eighth grade soap opera, sort of a mix between a bad after school special and Swan's Crossing. Remarkably like Swan's Crossing, your life will soon be canceled after only half of a season due to low ratings and bad plot lines.