Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Lora Handley
This week, the heavens will open and dump a small bundle in your lap. Who knows what is in the bundle? Maybe a big pile of dung. Happily, this even will in some way brighten your week, even if it is a heap of doo-doo. Don't ask me why, I am just the medium.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Matthew Harding
How many times must The Stars tell you, Aquarius: First pants, *then* shoes?
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Josh Small
A lot happened last night. I'll skip over all the details; I'm in a gang, now. We are called "the Crips," and we have hand signals, and an identifying color (blue). Alfanzo, the group's leader, already gave me a tattoo (it's a skull). He (Alfanzo) also said we have a good chance against the "Bloods" this year. Tonight they are having a party called a "drive by!" I don't know what it is all about, but everyone invited me, and it sounds like fun! 187!
Today you will build some stilts out in the garage. Have some plums while you work--you will be rewarded 10-fold.
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by John Daugherty
Today it will rain on your parade, but take heart. Maybe that already happened and you are reading a belated horoscope. Your lucky file today is X.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Tom Warmbrodt
This coming week will be the story against all odds -- a struggle into the very tide of fate. Your significant other will break it off and turn absolutely evil. You'll go into fierce debt. Family members will become very ill. You'll be downsized, demoted, or suspended from your job. You'll default on loans, leases, and mortgages. You'll have vehicles repossessed. Friends will be in accidents, and even you won't come away unscarred. Like Job, you'll consider cursing the good lord and you'll definitely be reflecting on the cliche, "When it rains, it pours."
Yes, against all this and more, you will battle. Every piece of bad luck, every coin toss lost, every crack stepped upon, every snake-eyes thrown! Sheer ill fortune or alien conspiracy will create the seed of self-doubt, you'll close the inward eye as your self-esteem cracks and then shatters.
This limitless mountain of misfortune you will scale. Starting from within you will begin to pick up the pieces. Through sheer force of will, you'll trudge through everything the world can throw at you and shake your fist defiantly at destiny. In this burdensome journey you'll correct your credit, put your house in order, reconcile with love lost, persist in good will for family and friends ill, get a better job, regain your vehicles -- yea and verily, you'll put it all right.
Then, the next morning, whistling a song of sweet victory, you'll pick up the car keys on the way out the front door to drive to work. While hopping off the porch steps, you'll trip. You'll miss the earth and fall off into space, dying horribly in approximately two minutes from a hybrid of vacuum and exposure.
Have a great week!
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Jack Babr
Gemini-- the twins, right? Well, at least you can take heart knowing that there's one other person out there as ugly as you are.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Andrea Hinkle
I used to know a cancer. His name was Orion Yoshi RedWeather. He used to walk home with me after school. Well, he didn't walk with me so much as roll along, because Orion Yoshi RedWeather had no legs, you see? Anyway, one day it was storming horribly. In fact, it was the worst storm in our area in years. We tried to forge through it but the wind was too strong--the rain stung our skin as the drops exploded across our flesh. We managed to take shelter in a dilapidated old barn by the road. The long and winding country road. fell asleep, we did, huddled in each others arms in the corner. As the storm ended, we both awakened to a bright light shining in our faces. After the initial shock, we finally managed to get a look at the inside of the old barn, which we didn't see the previous night due to a power outage caused by the storm. It was a mad scientists lab, and here was the scientist stooping over Orion Yoshi RedWeather with his light. I tried to move but couldn't. Horrified, I sat and watched as he cut up my dear cancer friend into a myriad of small, unidentifiable parts and pack them in his freezer. Then he threw the wheelchair on a large pile of old wheelchairs in the center of the room. Then he unbuckled me from the table, injected me with god knows what, and I lost consciousness again. I awoke in my own bed. Orion Yoshi RedWeather I never saw again.
Remember this, o' cancerous ones. remember and learn.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Rita Johnson
This week you shall discover that yes, after 7 years, you still love Guns n Roses. Pathetic, eh? And if that isn't bad enough, you shall realize that after a year and a half you are still infatuated with the same idiot and you can't stop no matter what, no matter how mean they are, no matter how hard you try, and then, my dear, after this life-threatening ordeal, you will run up up up! the stairs into your tiny room and cry to the sound of 'November Rain' but certainly not to the sound of 'Don't Cry' (ya can't cry to Don't Cry, silly!! tis against thee laws of crying!!) and in this sadness you shall expect a phone call from a giddy lil girl...and she will wipe the tears from your eyes until monday. Blue.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Brian Handley
If you haven't seen The Phantom Menace, do so or you will be forever shamed. Find an Aries you previously did not know and have passionate sex with them. Do this with no qualms or worries. Also, take up a new sport this summer.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Carol Handley
Get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids. SPF 15 or higher. Eat lots of fiber. Don't smoke. Get 3 hours of exercise per week. And remember, an apple a day....
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Courtney
Helllooooo Scorpio. This is the week to explore your creative side. Go to your favorite local hobby store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of painting supplies and make a big sign for the front yard declaring your neighbor's (indicate with big arrow) suspected unusual sexual preferences, or, shoot squirrels with a pellet gun in your backyards. Wait... that's not creative... unless you like whistle while doing it i guess that would work.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Mitchell Harding
This horoscope is intentionally inscrutable.