Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Phil Ackley
Above all else you need to focus on your toaster this week, Capricorn. Pay too little attention and you toast might burn, or worse, catch fire. Be careful not to hover--Toasters still need a modicum of privacy.

Make sure you wear a hat on the fourth.

Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Rita Johnson
I have consulted the stars and they have said....

"It just is."

Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by John Daugherty
You are "every which way, but loose" this week. I have no clue as to what that means. Look it up. I think it was a movie. Do I have to do everything for you?

Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Jack Babr
Next week, it will be declared that the blood of Jim Priz cures cancer--go out this week and collect as much as you can before the rush.

Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Mitchell Harding
You will travel to Las Vegas and play poker for over 12 consecutive hours. You will encounter a crazy, wealthy rancher from South Carolina who throws money around like it is something that you'd throw around a lot. He'll tip extravagantly and eventually leave to go play high stakes blackjack with some guy who was sucking up to him.

Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Rasputin
Meow. You will spend the week being watched. By cats. You won't see them, but they'll see you. Believe me. Cat HQ, broadcasting from Paris, has instructed all cats to observe you closely. And not all of us are scared of water, chelloveck.

Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Kenneth Krog
Stop smoking.

Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Casey McKenzie
I'm sorry, I can't give you an accurate reading unless you're totally naked and humming the Star Spangled Banner backwards....try again later.

Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Lora Handley
This week there will be an uncanny rise in the occurrence of squirrel-hunting while bathing in a jacuzzi in OR scrubs. Don't worry, there is not cause for concern, as the squirrels are wily creatures and won't get shot, due to the fact that all those who are in jacuzzis OR scrubs are drunk and couldn't hit a fish in a barrel. All of this will happen while hanging out with a bunch of young New Orleans losers.

Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Frankenstein
You are my enemy. Steer clear of petite, black cats. My brother may be larger than me, but he's a coward. You've got me in a vendetta kind of mood; you tell the angels in heaven you've never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the cat who killed you.

Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Sarah Kraul
The days are getting longer and hotter, Scorpio. That can only mean one thing -- the voices are getting louder, aren't they? It's okay. People attempting to tell you that the voices aren't really there should be dealt with. You know how. The voices are telling you. If you don't have a pick ax yourself, you can always borrow one from your neighbor. Just make sure to clean the off the blood before you return it. Neighbors tend to freak out about that sort of thing.

Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Andrea Hinkle
Well, Sagittarius. You really did it this time. Star Wars was awesome, I agree. And on Tuesday when you heard that girl talking about how cute little Anakin was , and you turned around and slapped her while yelling "Dude! What's your Major Malfunction!? That's VADER!" I thought that was pretty cool. Oh, and Friday Night when you went to that single's bar and introduced yourself to everyone as "Darth Delicious," I thought I would never stop laughing. On saturday, you crossed the line. Or, I should say, you will cross the line. It started out as any other normal day. You awoke in your bed, clutching your stuffed Yoda. You yawned, squinted at the sunlight shining right in your face, and looked over. You were not alone in your bed. For, lying next to you, was evil incarnate. YOU SLEPT WITH THE ULTIMATE EVIL! You stole away my fiancee. I hope you are happy. Jerk. Of course, i didn't really love the ULTIMATE EVIL--I was just after it's unbridled power. With that, i would be able to tell some really wicked horoscopes. You'd like that, eh? Maybe you should think about that BEFORE FRIDAY NIGHT! hah, sorry, sorry, I'm not mad, really. That's exactly how I met the ULTIMATE EVIL, in the first place. By hanging out in a single's bar. I was drunk on..what? Dandelion Wine..or was it Ragweed Rum? Anyway, I hope you are happy. You stole my fiancee and my future job. Oh, I didn't tell you about the incident on Sunday, did I? Mua ha ha ha! Let's just say that it involves a cow, the vacuum of space, and Princess-Leia underwear. Have fun!