Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Kirstin
On Monday on obstacle at work/school will cause you to rethink a situation. After careful rethinking you will realize that you were right the first time and that your doubts were merely caused by the stresses of every day life. A new love relationship could begin to develop around Thursday, but you will then meet a man wearing a yellow raincoat who you will realize is "the one." In the case that you are a man, you will come to terms with who you are and finally come out of the proverbial closet. If you do not see the man wearing a yellow raincoat, expect an increased income of money in the near future.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Phil Ackley
Aquarius, consider yourself only moderately lucky if you don't get hit by a truck Friday evening. The stars say that Saturday you may be having toothpicks shoved under your fingernails by rabid monkeys but only after a sudden divorce. Not married? That truck was carrying bridal gowns.
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Rita Johnson
This week has several amazing changes for you: Your grandfather will announce his undying love of crossdressing and reveal that he is actually your "wife", "Petunia." This will cause you to fall into a deep depression and murder your youngest daughter, selling her blood to the Church of the Left Shoe of Damocles. After your arrest on Thursday, "Petunia" will bail you out of jail (what a nice girl) and continue to lecture you on the meaning of life -- refreshments. After this painful ordeal you decide to fly (with your angel wings, of course) to New Orleans and construct toys out of phlegm to sell to poor homeless children. While walking home late one night you meet a lovely lady named Agnes who offers to give you "a night of thrills and pleasure" for the unbelievably low price of two dollars! You take up the offer and discover "Agnes" is really just "Petunia" sporting her new wig. Now be careful, I warned you ahead of time about this week, and if you aren't careful, you'll end up a suicidal nut...
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Matthew Harding
You will disappoint and disgust millions this week when, despite the social stigma attached to it, you cry over spilt milk.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Sarah Kraul
Let's not pretend that everything is going to be peachy this week, Taurus. Yes, there will be the winning lottery ticket worth millions of dollars. Yes, the one you have had your eye on will tell you that they've had their eye on you, too. And, yes, you will single handedly bring about world peace. But, everything is not as great as it appears. Actually, yes it is. I'm just jealous because I'm an Aquarian, and I have to wait until next week for all of this stuff to happen to me. So what if I'm a little bitter, you bastard? You have a problem with that?
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Johnny Lee
You should be wary since your last fortune cookie told you that "You are limp... in bed." Don't let this discourage you... much.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Brian Handley
My magic eight ball tells me "All answer point to yes". If that makes any sense to you, then best of luck to you this week.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Carol Handley
Decisions are difficult for you. You have been wishy-washy about making a big commitment in some area of your life. It is time to decide and be happy with your choice. It is not possible to please everyone. This is a time to make yourself happy.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by Andrea Hinkle
"Can't buy me looo-ove. Money can't buy me love." That's your favorite song, isn't it? As well it should be. It is very true, and you like the truth. Also, you and the Beatles have something in common. Well, you and John Lennon have something in common. Bang, bang, get my drift? On Tuesday I would advise you to stay away from all windows, but you won't listen to me. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to predict your death. The future, the past, and even the present are immutable. We are all forced into the roles that fate assigns. I hope you find this thought comforting as you lay, slowly bleeding to death from a wound to your heart, stretched out upon the cold tiles of your kitchen floor. It's a shame, really- cut off in the prime of your life like that. And the fact that your death is ruled as suicide makes things even worse. I wish I could do something...anything..to prevent this. But it is too late--it was already too late before you were born. Good bye.
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Jack Babr
Everyone's faith in humanity will be spontaneously shattered when it is announced that, despite all expectations, Jim Priz is, in fact, human.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Lidia
This week will bring you wind, fog, and maybe even a little snow... Oh wait, I lied. Actually, unless you live in Alaska, you're a prime target for sunburn. There's no avoiding it, it is destined to happen. You will be red as a lobster, people will think you look funny, and you will suffer. The stars also predict that you won't get laid. If you ask anyone out this week, they'll probably say no (they won't want to go out with a lobster). You may try to bribe them with flowers and candy, but chances are, it will have little effect. Your lucky day will be Thursday, when you accidentally swallow some mind-altering substance and start having funkadelic hallucinations.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Andrea Golden
A big change is on the way, Sagittarius. That truck driving school you applied to last month will harshly reject you, forcing you to rethink your plans for your life. Consider beauty school or dog training, but avoid nail artistry at all costs. That kind of thing can only lead to trouble.