Capricorn: The Goat
(December 22-January 20)
by Sarah Kraul
Do you know which celebrities share your sign, Capricorn? I'm sure there are many, but there is only one that really matters. Val Kilmer. So, in writing this horoscope, I am writing to him. If the other Capricorns have a problem with that, I don't really care. Go get your horoscope somewhere else.
Capricorn, I see in your week ahead some crucial decisions. In order to help you out, I'm going to tell you how you should go about making these decisions. Sarah Kraul will be home in Texas on Thursday. Be waiting for her. Take her in your arms and tell her -- no, don't say anything. Who needs talk at times like these? Just let her look at you and do anything else she feels is appropriate. No need to open your mouth and ruin her delicate illusions. Unless you're going to speak like Doc Holliday, in which case, talk away.
Aquarius: The Waterbearer
(January 21-February 19)
by Kirstin
Your week will be terrible. The stars reveal that you will either be murdered or you will become insane with jealousy about your sister Mary's new puppy which will cause you to go on a killing spree in which you not only kill Mary but also her beloved puppy Snoopy. Let's hope you get killed instead. It will save your family a lot of grief since they probably won't morn your death as much as a poor little puppy. On the up side your worst enemy will fall and drown in a small puddle of mud. Hope you live to see it!
Pisces: The Fish
(February 20-March 20)
by Matthew Harding
Only one thing will be going through your mind this week as your lawn is torn up by mobs of people fighting to get to your door: "What the fuck is so special about a better mousetrap?"
Aries: The Ram
(March 21-April 20)
by Andrea Hinkle
"Life is just a bowl of cherries." Doesn't that saying just bug you to death? Well, you're in luck. This week you happen to run into the person who invented it. Wipe them out, and the phrase dies as well. A little hint: Use cherry flavored cyanide to spice up dull, unflavorful chocolate chip cookies. Eat a sea urchin. You won't be sorry.
Taurus: The Bull
(April 21-May 21)
by Andrea Golden
Avoid long drives in the rain. You will most definitely get cut off by some asshole on a Japanese motor cycle who thinks he's hot shit because he can weave between the lanes of traffic. Resist the urge to run him over, especially since he's wearing a helmet and probably won't die anyway.
Gemini: The Twins
(May 22-June 21)
by Veronica Bond
Remember that X-Files episode where that kid's evil twin spirit comes to wreak havoc on his family? No? Well, all I can say is avoid electric garage door openers and hospital rooms that spew yellow slime from the walls...and tall, dark haired, hazel eyed FBI agents...he's mine.
Cancer: The Crab
(June 22-July 23)
by Carol Handley
You are a strong, caring individual. You prefer to be busy, but lately you've found yourself with time on your hands and boredom is setting in. Consider volunteer work - with a food bank, Meals on Wheels, or at a nursing home. If that doesn't strike your fancy, then get an extra job. Otherwise....sleeping through the summer is an equally good option.
Leo: The Lion
(July 24-August 23)
by Kenneth Krog
Just as this name for the Lion is lame, so will your week be. I suggest you stay in bed, there really is no hope. On the upside I predict a better week next week...you will have more fun than your average camel.
Virgo: The Virgin
(August 24-September 23)
by John Daugherty
You use your anal tendencies to the extreme this week on a project and it will pay off big time in the end. Really, no pun intended. Your lucky telephone number this week is 1-800-CALL-ATT...you'll win big...Call today!
Libra: The Scales
(September 24-October 23)
by Mitchell Harding
Life is basically a game of Monopoly. Apart from the obvious parallels (lots of dice rolling, people look like the small metal game pieces, and Community Chest cards), there are many subtler ones which I haven't been authorized to discuss with you. Even the Stars have to obey the rules. But I can tell you that you ought to live by a few simple guidelines: buy the railroads, eschew the utilities, and try your damndest to land on Free Parking...especially if you live in Austin, where parking (free or otherwise) is virtually unheard of.
Scorpio: The Scorpion
(October 24-November 22)
by Rita Johnson
Tripod will delete your webpage only for you to discover they really didn't at all and you shouldn't have written that letter...And then you will find the love you want, the childish squeaky bashful desirable you have always wanted inside though you were afraid to admit it...You will forget about things others have done to spite you, you'll become engulfed with passion and your only needs will be satisfied by simple things like silly phone conversations...Last but not least, ducks will die in your driveway. Daily.
Sagittarius: The Archer
(November 23-December 21)
by Brian Handley
Sagittarius, you'll do good not to upset Aries this week. Otherwise, I have little to say. Aries was like a nice fluffy cloud, but now you've done something and Aries has turned into a tremendous thunderstorm. When you see what you've done you should beg for forgiveness. Meanwhile, get liquored up and get a tattoo. Do something fun. Take up a new hobby like golf or pari-mutuel betting. And, don't leave your baggage unattended at the airport.